The Legend of Zelda: A Legacy Trashed.

Angry Nerd Rant

I have not been playing video games all my life. Hearken to the pathetic revelation that the first game I beat was The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker. It's pathetic because that means that I've only been playing games for about eight or nine years.

That game was my introduction to the rest of the greatness that is Zelda, and gaming in general, so for a long time I was quick to defend the cel-shaded Zelda games. Not that Wind Waker was bad-- it was a great game, and the graphic style did suit it, but the major games that followed it and deviated from a serious graphic style, like Phantom Hourglass, and to a lesser extent, The Minish Cap, were garbage. I guess I realized it when I was playing Phantom Hourglass. The return of the Great Sea, the Navi-esque "spirits," and things like bosses and Gorons recalled elements of older Zelda games, but... they were the wrong elements. Where was the darkness?

I remember playing Ocarina of Time and fighting the Shadow Temple boss, Bongo Bongo, and dying like a million times, and being so proud when I finally beat it. Phantom Hourglass was more like I beat them in one try, then wonder why I'm even playing this game. Hardcore fans complain that PH was designed for young kids, and worse: that plague which we call the "casual gamer." I have encountered one such casual gamer. She is my English teacher. She told me she likes the game but she's stuck. I told her that she needs to go to Cannon Island and get a cannon and blast through the barrier to sail to the Isle of Ember. I wonder how long she had been stuck on that.

The point is that cel-shaded Zelda games don't have the same feel as the traditional ones. They might attract more n00bs, and if that's what Nintendo wants to concentrate on, fine. And apparently, it is, because they are coming out with another simply HEINOUS so-called "game," embarrassingly titled The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks. It will be another cel-shaded one for the DS. Its name is a pun referencing the fact that LINK WILL DRIVE A MOTHERFUCKING TRAIN GODDAMMIT in this game, donning a black conductor's outfit with brass buttons. Trains are no better than steamboats like in PH, and no more medival. Zelda is supposed to be serious business. This game will be the biggest middle finger yet to the once-great legacy that was Zelda.

I don't think they're ever going to return to the serious franchise they once were. We will never spend days completing each side-quest again-- the future of Zelda is about customization of boats, and instant gratification. The threat of conscious evil such as Ganondorf has passed, and now there are only mindless monsters like Bellum from PH to be conquered. The completion of a game will be the accomplishment of a day. Say goodbye to the vastness of Hyrule Field, and greet the convenient confines of a realm crossed by train tracks.

Link is dead.